Chicken love!

So here is the finished product!!  It is a nesting space for my girls.  I now have 13 hens, five of which seem to be laying.  We are getting three white eggs, and two brown eggs on a typical day.  I love my chickens.  I have decided to name this crew of ladies.  So far I have named the Araucanas, the speckled crew...and the reds.  More to follow.

Everyday I like to take time to visit and watch the ladies, and of course their ever vigilant man...it is very relaxing!

New project

I have been working on a new project! I have even had some very fine helpers. It has actually been very fun to let go of my desire to create something perfect, and let my little friends pitch in.

Any guesses as to what it is????

Golden moment

I just don't know about this new blogger.  I find it a bit confusing! 

Yesterday was a long and noisy day.  Mondays are always tricky...and this happened to be a day when school was closed...so busier than usual. However, we plugged through the day, and finally made it outside.  Outside always provides some relief, as my little busy friends finally have enough space to run and climb and yell...and I don't feel so attacked by noise and anxious about protecting them from each other!

It is always a bit busy, reminding them of outside rules and expectations, sorting out toy squabbles..etc.  But yesterday...suddenly there was a moment when they settled in.  They were all playing cooperatively..the sound of their laughter was set against the crisp whisper of the wind in the trees...and it was magic.  It seemed as if time slowed down, golden and sweet.  A few moments to breathe deeply of the rich, spicy, warm air of a glowing autumn afternoon, and be grateful!

Should I start blogging again!?

Ho hum...I don't know how I ended up here! 

I like reading my old blogs...at least some of them.  Makes me think I should start up again! 

I am too tired tonight...but maybe tomorrow...

I think I am sending my family off apple picking...and I shall stay home in peace and quiet!
Blogger is all different...I feel the need to play...so silly

I like purple, and blue too.

k...enough random nonsense.

Oh...a very very nice man and his wife (bedecked in a lovely variety of purple clothing items) checked out at work tonight.  He gave me his business card.  Massage therapist/ colon therapist.  This does not sound appealing to me on any level.

K...lets do a little therapy.  I honestly thought he and his wife were so nice and sincere... and I worried that they would feel offended because I set the card aside.( I just didn't have pockets)  So I contemplated going for massage therapy, so they would feel supported.  But I just couldn't get past the idea of someone touching me!!  I think I could do a hand massage....maybe?

Blogger could get some more interesting fonts...that is for sure!

Don't ask.....(about my attempted family cut)

As far as a general child care update...it is going much better. Every day is chaotic and so much hard work, but either things have settled somewhat...or I have adjusted to the mayhem.

Really, though, there are moments when my challenging kiddos, who just don't know how to play or interact with other children in positive ways...suddenly are playing appropriately. Or suddenly the screaming stops...and I listen, and hear a cooperative imagination game...and I feel a little thrill. There really is some progress.

I have a goal to do better with paperwork.

If I manage to ever cut this one family...then I will give the second challenging family until June. If things aren't clicking by then, I will make a second cut, and go from there. I keep thinking I will quit child care, but I really love being at home, being able to care for my family and home. During the summer, I think I would weep if I could not play outside and take care of my gardens. I love being available for my children. So, rather than quit, I am going to try to be strong and make changes that will help me get back to loving what I do!

Failure to launch

Well, I did not inform my family of my intentions. With no notice whatsoever...they just happened to come! And I could not bring myself to do it. I really feel affection for the family...aaargh!!!



In counseling this week, we learned something that really clicked for me. I liked it well enough to come straight home and make a poster for our family to see every day.

The idea is very basic, and I am sure you understand it, just from looking at the picture. But this issue with child care is a perfect example of moving through these states of mind. When I have a bad day, and am overwhelmed, I want to quit child care. I am working from my emotional mind. When I sit down and make charts about why I need to make a change, I am in my rational mind...but without the emotion, I fail to take a step. Right now, I am in my wise mind. I understand and feel that I am in over my head. I feel particularly frustrated by this one child, and understand that I don't have the ability to help her, and another center or program will be better suited to her needs. The trick is...how do I stay in my wise mind long enough to have the conversation with the parents!!!!???

Today...I will try again!

"Wise mind...wise mind...wise mind...wise mind...wise mind...."

What a beautiful morning. I am looking forward to the more moderate temperatures, for our driveway, like many, is a skating rink. Being on a slight hill...it makes for some challenging trips up and down the driveway!

Things are going better, generally speaking. My kiddo seems to be approaching a more even keel. Someone once said that "leopards don't change their spots"...and I suppose that is true to some extent, but I do believe that if those leopards are humans...they have the potential for unending growth and change. It all depends on the motivation! So...I still see the spots, but I am thankful for the small steps that show growth.

For awhile, my chickens were not laying eggs...save one a day. I was so sad, I thought they were all done laying. However, with their lovely new home...provided by a dear, generous friend...and a wonderful water heater, provided by a dear, lovely father....and some more diligent TLC, provided by yours truly...WE HAVE EGGS!!!! I am getting 5 a day, generally. Now I have to get back in the habit of making egg-rich recipes!

Tomorrow, if I get to blogging, I will give a child care update. I have a goal to call a family today and share the bad news that I have decided to cut back. I have been procrastinating for days. They haven't shown up in days...so now I have to call rather than do it face to face. I am thinking that the no-show business may mean they won't take it too hard? Did you know that calls like this provoke great anxiety in me!? I am pretty sure my heart rate is rising just writing about it!

So silly!

Problem

Well...to complicate matters...I am using food to cope. I do not feel healthy and vital and in charge. I think that is one of the things that is so hard for me. There is very little that I feel like I have control of. I don't mean that I want to control things, in a dictatorial way, but I want to feel confident, secure and capable. My children, though adorable, are challenging and...well...children...marching to their own drummer. My finances don't feel under control. My vivacious child care crew certainly are in no way under any control! Each day is a day of triage and stress. I fly around trying to meet the greatest needs first...and praying I will still be standing at the end of the day. I certainly don't feel in control of the tidiness of my house.

I want to get to the point where I feel like I am a bouy with an anchor. I may bob and sway when tough times come upon me, but I am secure and safe, not thrown about upon the waves or dragged by the winds that invariably will come.

Many things, simply by their nature, are not within my control. But, there is one area that is very much in my control, and that is my own body. I am struggling with emotional eating, especially and truly I believe I have an emotionaly addiction to chocolate. There are some days that I eat and eat...never satisfied until I finally realize that all I want is chocolate.

I am toying with drastic ideas to break this cycle of addiction to sugar and chocolate. They say it takes thirty days to break a habit. What if I could find a back bone and give sugar and chocolate up for thirty days. Could I then come back with some healthier habits? I am pondering that.

Rough

Hello!

I have obviously given up blogging lately. Mostly it is because of the unbelievable schedule I keep these days. I feel much more successful at child care lately, but it is just so demanding and wearisome...If I could find a magic new solution....I would move on.

Did you know that I struggle to maintain an even keep emotionally? I am like a cork in the ocean..bobbing up and down depending on what wave I am on.

Am I being too frank for a public forum? I don't care...cause I am bobbing low right now! It leaves me a bit reckless.

I keep it all pulled together to accomplish my responsibilities...but there are moments...and I happen to be fighting one now... when I despair...I just want to escape the challenges of life.

My son...who has battled depression and chronic pain from a hip injury for over two years finally had surgery this summer. Slowly he began to blossom...school attendance improved...his attitude around home improved...he started to take positive steps in his life. He pushed and pushed to be strong and able to wrestle, his one true love. The doctor gave his approval, and I, desperate to see him happy, and feeling motivated and successful, didn't argue. I swallowed worry and fear, and cheered him on.

Two weeks ago, he reinjured his hip. Since then, I watched him slowly sink under the weight of pain and the loss of his sport...the sport that gave him confidence he sorely needed...and his father's excitement...which he so desperately loves and seeks. School attendance is getting more and more sporadic...we are dealing with mood swings from pain meds, pain, and inconsisitency with his antidepressants. He sleeps and sleeps, refused to participate around the home, grouches and grumbles....My heart is breaking.

I don't know how to help him...and yet again am stuck in the constant battle to figure out where the line is between inability to preform and participate, and stubborn unwillingness. His siblings rage at having to pick up the pieces of what he won't do..and I just want to cry...and cry and run away from the constant battle.

Ugh...I will probably regret posting this raw tirade..