Hello!
I have obviously given up blogging lately. Mostly it is because of the unbelievable schedule I keep these days. I feel much more successful at child care lately, but it is just so demanding and wearisome...If I could find a magic new solution....I would move on.
Did you know that I struggle to maintain an even keep emotionally? I am like a cork in the ocean..bobbing up and down depending on what wave I am on.
Am I being too frank for a public forum? I don't care...cause I am bobbing low right now! It leaves me a bit reckless.
Am I being too frank for a public forum? I don't care...cause I am bobbing low right now! It leaves me a bit reckless.
I keep it all pulled together to accomplish my responsibilities...but there are moments...and I happen to be fighting one now... when I despair...I just want to escape the challenges of life.
My son...who has battled depression and chronic pain from a hip injury for over two years finally had surgery this summer. Slowly he began to blossom...school attendance improved...his attitude around home improved...he started to take positive steps in his life. He pushed and pushed to be strong and able to wrestle, his one true love. The doctor gave his approval, and I, desperate to see him happy, and feeling motivated and successful, didn't argue. I swallowed worry and fear, and cheered him on.
Two weeks ago, he reinjured his hip. Since then, I watched him slowly sink under the weight of pain and the loss of his sport...the sport that gave him confidence he sorely needed...and his father's excitement...which he so desperately loves and seeks. School attendance is getting more and more sporadic...we are dealing with mood swings from pain meds, pain, and inconsisitency with his antidepressants. He sleeps and sleeps, refused to participate around the home, grouches and grumbles....My heart is breaking.
I don't know how to help him...and yet again am stuck in the constant battle to figure out where the line is between inability to preform and participate, and stubborn unwillingness. His siblings rage at having to pick up the pieces of what he won't do..and I just want to cry...and cry and run away from the constant battle.
Ugh...I will probably regret posting this raw tirade..
How I love your writing skills. What a compassionate and caring person you are April. I am so proud of you. I feel your struggles and grief and can identify with so many of the emotions. This is where so many Mom's step into the darkness and trust in the Lord's Mercy and omnipotence. Whatever we do, we must not give up. In calling for help we open doors for others to serve and thus work within the plan that God established. I love you!
ReplyDeleteJust keep loving him and don't give up. That is what mom and dad did with me and I turned out ok. I mean, I know I could be better if I tried, but the support of family has really helped me.
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