While I have continued to battle my funk...it has subsided to mostly fatigue and irritability.  I have managed to get slowly back in the habit of walking...though later than usual in the AM...I am making sure I do it no matter what!!

Today's walk was interesting.  I had to bring my "new" car to the shop, as it was overheating like crazy yesterday morning.  I took the dog with me...and walked home the very long way.  I got to walk  through the city, admiring gardens and architecture.  There are a lot of old homes in the city.  These older homes are so artistic, with geometric designs, symmetry and beauty that delights me.  I just love them.  Then, I decided to lengthen my walk by accessing the wooded walking path.  Walking into the woods is like walking into chaos after the orderly nature of the homes, walks and roads of the city.

However, this is the part that really thrills me.  While it seems disorderly, there still are patterns, geometric designs, and tremendous beauty.  To the discerning eye, there is order amidst the chaos.  where the city designs are thrilling and beautiful, the woodland designs are humbling and mysterious amidst their beauty.  One has to look deeper, and more fully to find the order, but it is there.

(image from Wikipedia.com)

funk

I am in a funk, funk, funk....and I have been reading a friend's blog...and realized that maybe just writing it out will help me move past this funk and get functional.

First...what is a funk?  I feel disconnected, unmotivated and grim.  I vegetate doing meaningless things, instead of accomplishing things that will help me feel better about things generally.

Why am I in a funk?  Well...multiple, very common humanity reasons.  I am poor, and hate not having money to do all the things I want to do.  We decided to try to help our son move out west, which feels like the right decision...but it has left us so strapped that there is no money to do anything else!  I am praying I have enough gas money for myself.  It wouldn't matter so much, except my grandfather is in the hospital in burlington, and I want to go there every day...but when one is counting pennies.....

So second reason, my grandfather is in the hospital...dying.  (ps..I know I am addicted to ......., but I just can't seem to stop.)  I have spent a part of almost everyday there.  I treasure the time I have had with family, as we have all gathered to say goodbye and support one another.  My grandfather has been a bit sleepy, but so charming and adorable, and perhaps a bit rascally when awake.  Those little awake moments have been precious.  I went for  quick visit last night, my grandfather was mostly sleeping, which was fine.  I sat by his bedside and counted his breaths.  Six deep breaths, a seventh sighing breath...then a 17 second pause in breathing.  Over and over I counted.  I realize I could have stayed the whole night...counting those breaths, waiting for those moments when he wakes.  But...I have a home, animals, children, work, responsibilities, and I had to leave.  I couldn't stay to treasure and count those breaths.  And...just as I was leaving, I touched his leg, startling and waking him.  He GLARED at me and asked what was I doing, touching his leg.  I felt awful...and had to leave with that glare stuck in my head...instead of the charming delightful moments.

Third reason, I have been doing really well at walking and trying to be more aware of unhealthy eating habits.  As a result, I have lost a bit of weight, and I love how I feel.  In the unsettled moments of the past week, I have not kept up, and I feel icky...and I have already gained a few pounds back...why can't my body just give me a break, without regressing!  I am trying to pull myself together and get active again...I feel so much better.

Fourth, very obvious reason, I am husbandless...and I don't know when he will be home...boo hoo!!

Final reason...which circles back to a couple of the previous ones...is my house is so ill maintained...it needs cleaning and painting, and mulching and such.  Hard to do these things when one has no money and no energy or motivation!!  I would love to paint and freshen a room to surprise my husband before he gets home, but I just don't think I can make it happen.

Here is to hoping I can pull myself together.