While I have continued to battle my funk...it has subsided to mostly fatigue and irritability.  I have managed to get slowly back in the habit of walking...though later than usual in the AM...I am making sure I do it no matter what!!

Today's walk was interesting.  I had to bring my "new" car to the shop, as it was overheating like crazy yesterday morning.  I took the dog with me...and walked home the very long way.  I got to walk  through the city, admiring gardens and architecture.  There are a lot of old homes in the city.  These older homes are so artistic, with geometric designs, symmetry and beauty that delights me.  I just love them.  Then, I decided to lengthen my walk by accessing the wooded walking path.  Walking into the woods is like walking into chaos after the orderly nature of the homes, walks and roads of the city.

However, this is the part that really thrills me.  While it seems disorderly, there still are patterns, geometric designs, and tremendous beauty.  To the discerning eye, there is order amidst the chaos.  where the city designs are thrilling and beautiful, the woodland designs are humbling and mysterious amidst their beauty.  One has to look deeper, and more fully to find the order, but it is there.

(image from Wikipedia.com)

funk

I am in a funk, funk, funk....and I have been reading a friend's blog...and realized that maybe just writing it out will help me move past this funk and get functional.

First...what is a funk?  I feel disconnected, unmotivated and grim.  I vegetate doing meaningless things, instead of accomplishing things that will help me feel better about things generally.

Why am I in a funk?  Well...multiple, very common humanity reasons.  I am poor, and hate not having money to do all the things I want to do.  We decided to try to help our son move out west, which feels like the right decision...but it has left us so strapped that there is no money to do anything else!  I am praying I have enough gas money for myself.  It wouldn't matter so much, except my grandfather is in the hospital in burlington, and I want to go there every day...but when one is counting pennies.....

So second reason, my grandfather is in the hospital...dying.  (ps..I know I am addicted to ......., but I just can't seem to stop.)  I have spent a part of almost everyday there.  I treasure the time I have had with family, as we have all gathered to say goodbye and support one another.  My grandfather has been a bit sleepy, but so charming and adorable, and perhaps a bit rascally when awake.  Those little awake moments have been precious.  I went for  quick visit last night, my grandfather was mostly sleeping, which was fine.  I sat by his bedside and counted his breaths.  Six deep breaths, a seventh sighing breath...then a 17 second pause in breathing.  Over and over I counted.  I realize I could have stayed the whole night...counting those breaths, waiting for those moments when he wakes.  But...I have a home, animals, children, work, responsibilities, and I had to leave.  I couldn't stay to treasure and count those breaths.  And...just as I was leaving, I touched his leg, startling and waking him.  He GLARED at me and asked what was I doing, touching his leg.  I felt awful...and had to leave with that glare stuck in my head...instead of the charming delightful moments.

Third reason, I have been doing really well at walking and trying to be more aware of unhealthy eating habits.  As a result, I have lost a bit of weight, and I love how I feel.  In the unsettled moments of the past week, I have not kept up, and I feel icky...and I have already gained a few pounds back...why can't my body just give me a break, without regressing!  I am trying to pull myself together and get active again...I feel so much better.

Fourth, very obvious reason, I am husbandless...and I don't know when he will be home...boo hoo!!

Final reason...which circles back to a couple of the previous ones...is my house is so ill maintained...it needs cleaning and painting, and mulching and such.  Hard to do these things when one has no money and no energy or motivation!!  I would love to paint and freshen a room to surprise my husband before he gets home, but I just don't think I can make it happen.

Here is to hoping I can pull myself together.

Chicken love!

So here is the finished product!!  It is a nesting space for my girls.  I now have 13 hens, five of which seem to be laying.  We are getting three white eggs, and two brown eggs on a typical day.  I love my chickens.  I have decided to name this crew of ladies.  So far I have named the Araucanas, the speckled crew...and the reds.  More to follow.

Everyday I like to take time to visit and watch the ladies, and of course their ever vigilant man...it is very relaxing!

New project

I have been working on a new project! I have even had some very fine helpers. It has actually been very fun to let go of my desire to create something perfect, and let my little friends pitch in.

Any guesses as to what it is????

Golden moment

I just don't know about this new blogger.  I find it a bit confusing! 

Yesterday was a long and noisy day.  Mondays are always tricky...and this happened to be a day when school was closed...so busier than usual. However, we plugged through the day, and finally made it outside.  Outside always provides some relief, as my little busy friends finally have enough space to run and climb and yell...and I don't feel so attacked by noise and anxious about protecting them from each other!

It is always a bit busy, reminding them of outside rules and expectations, sorting out toy squabbles..etc.  But yesterday...suddenly there was a moment when they settled in.  They were all playing cooperatively..the sound of their laughter was set against the crisp whisper of the wind in the trees...and it was magic.  It seemed as if time slowed down, golden and sweet.  A few moments to breathe deeply of the rich, spicy, warm air of a glowing autumn afternoon, and be grateful!

Should I start blogging again!?

Ho hum...I don't know how I ended up here! 

I like reading my old blogs...at least some of them.  Makes me think I should start up again! 

I am too tired tonight...but maybe tomorrow...

I think I am sending my family off apple picking...and I shall stay home in peace and quiet!
Blogger is all different...I feel the need to play...so silly

I like purple, and blue too.

k...enough random nonsense.

Oh...a very very nice man and his wife (bedecked in a lovely variety of purple clothing items) checked out at work tonight.  He gave me his business card.  Massage therapist/ colon therapist.  This does not sound appealing to me on any level.

K...lets do a little therapy.  I honestly thought he and his wife were so nice and sincere... and I worried that they would feel offended because I set the card aside.( I just didn't have pockets)  So I contemplated going for massage therapy, so they would feel supported.  But I just couldn't get past the idea of someone touching me!!  I think I could do a hand massage....maybe?

Blogger could get some more interesting fonts...that is for sure!

Don't ask.....(about my attempted family cut)

As far as a general child care update...it is going much better. Every day is chaotic and so much hard work, but either things have settled somewhat...or I have adjusted to the mayhem.

Really, though, there are moments when my challenging kiddos, who just don't know how to play or interact with other children in positive ways...suddenly are playing appropriately. Or suddenly the screaming stops...and I listen, and hear a cooperative imagination game...and I feel a little thrill. There really is some progress.

I have a goal to do better with paperwork.

If I manage to ever cut this one family...then I will give the second challenging family until June. If things aren't clicking by then, I will make a second cut, and go from there. I keep thinking I will quit child care, but I really love being at home, being able to care for my family and home. During the summer, I think I would weep if I could not play outside and take care of my gardens. I love being available for my children. So, rather than quit, I am going to try to be strong and make changes that will help me get back to loving what I do!